A recent comment on The Spark Group Asia’s TikTok stopped us in our tracks:
“She said, ‘I’m such a disappointment for being unable to complete a task.’”
This came from a team member recalling her manager’s words during a difficult moment at work.
It’s just one sentence.
But it reveals everything about the kind of culture that’s unintentionally created when pressure outweighs people.
And if you’re a manager, this might sting a little, because the truth is, many of us have said things we didn’t mean or said things the wrong way in the heat of stress.
Let’s unpack this from the perspective of a leader.
What Actually Happens When We Say Things Like This
When a team member hears:
“You’re a disappointment for not completing the task.”
What they internalize is:
“I am not trusted.”
“I am only valued when I deliver.”
“I’ve failed as a person, not just on a task.”
And here’s the cost:
- Their psychological safety drops.
- They start withholding honest updates.
- They stop asking for help because they fear judgment.
- Performance anxiety increases… and actual performance decreases.
But Let’s Be Honest: Why Do Managers Say These Things?
Most of the time, it’s not about malice; it’s about overwhelm.
Many managers are under pressure to deliver. When something falls through, frustration leaks out. And unfortunately, that emotion gets directed at the person, not the problem.
Sometimes, we also repeat what we’ve been told in the past.
“If I had to tough it out, so should they.”
“They should know better by now.”
“I don’t have time to coach, I just need things done.”
This is not leadership.
It’s survival mode.
And when we lead from survival, we pass on cycles of fear, shame, and disengagement.
What Great Managers Do Instead
Leaders who build high-performing, engaged teams do these things differently:
- They pause before reacting.
Taking 3 seconds to respond with curiosity instead of criticism makes all the difference. - They separate the task from the person.
“What happened?” is a better place to start than “Why didn’t you?” - They ask, not assume.
“What do you need to move this forward?” opens up space for ownership and support. - They see mistakes as data.
Every misstep is a chance to coach, clarify, and build trust, not tear it down.
Let’s Flip the Script
Instead of saying
“You’re a disappointment.”
Try:
“This didn’t go as planned. Let’s look at what happened together.”
“I want to understand what blocked you and how we can fix it.”
“Your effort matters, even when the outcome doesn’t go right.”
Because the real win is not a completed task; it’s a capable, resilient team.
Managers, Ask Yourself:
- What kind of culture do my words create?
- Do my team members feel safe to fail and learn?
- How do I react when things don’t go according to plan?
If you’re willing to reflect and grow, you’re already becoming the leader your team needs.
Ready to Reflect and Grow as a Manager?
At The Spark Group Asia, we help managers shift from command-and-control to coaching and empowering. Through our signature program, Coach Foundation Program (CFP), we work with leaders to build trust, engagement, and long-term performance.
